Do you ever miss someone so bad that it hurts? Is it ever someone that you know you shouldn’t miss? In moments like this, your brain and your heart are locked in a heated, never-ending battle, and it’s exhausting.
You try and try to forget them, but they always creep back in. You replay the conversations you’ve had in your head so many times that it becomes like an anthem. You just close your eyes and try to remember the exact temperature of their hand on your skin, every fleck of color in their eyes, how they looked when they smiled. At the same time, you’re desperately trying to forget every single one of these things so that you have a chance to retain your sanity.
You go to work, hang out with friends, spend time with family, and you act like everything is completely normal. You put on a smile and say that you’re over it, but you’re not. It’s like an itch you can’t scratch, like a constant, persistent ache.
You had imagined your life with them. You had convinced yourself that your meeting was kismet and that it would be the start of forever. They walked into your life and consumed it. They walked out of it and decimated it, and there was nothing you could do to stop it. No water could quench that fire, so you could only stand there and watch it burn to the ground.
They say that time heals all wounds, but I tend to disagree. Sometimes it is a slow, merciless killer, taking you farther and farther away from what you love. It’s like driving away and watching them shrink into the background of your life, and the worst part is that you’re not the driver. It’s realizing that you were never in control and you still aren’t. I hold more to the adage that time makes fools of us all.
For all this pain that you’re going through and have gone through, the question is was it worth it? Would you go through it again to experience the good times?
In my case, I believe that I’m a better person today for having known him. He made me see the best in myself. I never truly saw myself as special or worthy, but he made me see that I was. I realized how much I truly deserved. He made me stronger, more determined, braver than I ever thought I could be. Even though it’s gone now, I’m so glad that it happened. I’ll never stop being thankful for him.
One day I’ll be able to go a whole day without thinking about him. Then two. Then three. Eventually, I will only think of him every so often, and, when I do, it will not cause me hopeless longing. I will only smile and move on with my day.